A Flawed Heart Read online

  The moving truck is double parked out front, much to the dismay of our soon-to-be neighbors. I’m hoping all my things made it here in one piece. Our apartment is on the second floor, and when we arrive, the door is already open.

  The apartment is essentially a long corridor. A large, front room connects to a smaller bedroom. Through a doorway there’s another small bedroom, and then a kitchen and a bathroom. I learned through my emails with Lydia they call this a railroad style because the rooms connect like train cars. It doesn’t allow for much privacy, but it’s less expensive than other apartments in this neighborhood. Standing on the bed in the second bedroom is a woman hanging a Dali print. I recognize it as The Persistence of Memory. She looks up at me and Lydia with a smile. I notice her cool glasses, paint-speckled t-shirt, and short spikey hair. She runs over to Lydia and kisses her on the mouth, then offers me a handshake as she drapes her arm over Lydia’s shoulder.

  “Hi, I’m Kat.”

  I shake, but don’t speak.

  Lydia speaks for me. “Kat, this is Claire. Claire, this is my girlfriend, Kat.”

  I don’t want to appear lame, but I’ve never been around an openly gay person before. I smile and nod at the couple.

  Kat laughs. “It’s okay, honey. We’re not gonna try to get you to switch teams or anything.”

  Lydia playfully slaps at Kat. “Stop. She’s from Georgia. Take it easy on her, okay?”

  I cast my eyes down at the floor, embarrassed.

  “Shit, I’m sorry, Claire. That wasn’t fair,” Lydia says.

  “It’s all right. I have to ask you though, why did you put out an ad for a roommate when you have a girlfriend? Wouldn’t you two just want to live together alone?”

  “Oh, we don’t live together. I mean, not yet. I mean, we weren’t ready to…” Kat stammers.

  “Stop, before you hurt yourself. What Kat is trying to say is that she’s a commitment phobe, even though we’ve been together for a year now. She didn’t want to live together, so that’s why I went looking for you.”

  “Are you trying to make me jealous?” Kat asks.

  “I don’t think you need to be. Our little Claire is straight as an arrow.” Lydia takes her hand and pulls keys from Kat’s pocket, and hands them to me. “Here’s your set of keys. We’ll go out later tonight, okay?”

  They walk into Lydia’s room and Kat shuts the door, presumably for privacy, which leaves me to get settled. The first thing I do is set up my stereo, playing it loud enough to drown out the moaning coming from Lydia’s bedroom.

  * * * *

  After settling in, I take a walk around the neighborhood alone. The buildings on Bedford Avenue are much smaller than the skyscrapers in Manhattan. They’re made of stone and brick, and are only two or three floors up from the street. The sidewalk along the avenue is too narrow for the amount of pedestrians, and everyone looks as if they just walked out of an Urban Outfitters catalog. No one smiles or looks me in the eye. I feel an urge to say hello to everyone who passes by. The southerner in me isn’t used to the apathy of New Yorkers just yet.

  Little trees line the streets, their heights nothing in comparison to the great oaks of Savannah. There are bars and restaurants everywhere. I feel that even if I lived here for years I wouldn’t be able to try them all. Brooklyn is beautiful in its own way, and the anxiety I felt about moving so far away is fading. I may be from the country, but I feel at ease here. After a rewarding first experience with a slice of Brooklyn pizza, I head back to my apartment to get changed for Jason’s show tonight. I’m excited to find out if he fits the fantasy I made of him in my head.

  I change my clothes a hundred times, and Kat and Lydia advise me on what looks best. I put my hair up in a ponytail, but they decide it looks better down. The three of us walk into the night, and I’m still caught in a touristy daze, gawking at everything I see, but trying to play it cool. We pass an art supply store, a little deli that Kat calls a bodega, a record shop, a liquor store…

  “Let’s stop at Jason’s place first. He lives around the corner from the bar,” Lydia says.

  It’s cool for an August evening, much cooler than Georgia would be. There’s a slight breeze blowing and it chills me. The front door of Jason’s building is unlocked, so we walk right in. Once we’re inside, Kat grabs Lydia by the hips and stops her as we’re about to walk up the stairs.

  “Hold on, babe. Let’s go get some beer.”

  “I’m sure Jason has beer,” Lydia answers.

  “I’m sure he doesn’t.” I see Kat wink at Lydia and squeeze her hips.

  “You’re insatiable.” Lydia laughs.

  “I can’t help it if I missed you.”

  “Claire, just head up one flight and knock on the left door. Introduce yourself. Me and Kat’ll be back in a sec.”

  I’m not happy with this idea at all, but I’m not going to show it. I nod and walk up the stairs, only to look back and see Kat and Lydia heavily making out at the foot of the stairs instead of going on a beer run. I hear the strum of a guitar and a man singing. I raise my hand to knock on the door, but instead I pause to listen to Jason play. His voice is amazing. It’s rough and smooth at the same time, both husky and melodic. I can’t move. His voice is doing something to me. I feel frozen, entranced.

  When the music stops, I knock and the door opens. He’s at least six feet tall, with muscular arms and a broad chest. His exposed flesh is covered in tattoos, and he has a fresh one on his neck. I look up and see his face and his sculpted, clean-shaven jaw. His brown hair is cut short and ragged. His gaze meets mine and his eyes are bluish green and soft. He’s gorgeous.

  “Um, uh, I…I’m your sister’s friend? I’m, uh…Lydia, I mean…”

  He cocks his head to the side and smiles at me. “You’re Claire. Right? Lydia’s new roommate?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry.” I shake my head trying to shed the daze he’s put me in.

  “It’s cool. Where’s Lydia?”

  “She went to get beer with Kat.”

  He smiles. “Okay. Well, come in.”

  He gestures for me to enter, and I find that the layout of his apartment is much different from mine. His place is bigger—it must cost a fortune to live here. A big kitchen connects to a large living room, and the living room connects to a hallway where I assume the bedroom and bathroom are located. I walk toward the couch where his guitar rests. I look up at him and he’s looking back at me. He licks his lips and looks away. He’s even hotter in person than I imagined in my fantasy.

  “I was just gonna make a grilled cheese. Are you hungry?” he asks.

  “I could eat something, I guess. Thanks.”

  “Where are you from?” he asks.

  “Savannah, Georgia.”

  “You’re accent is adorable.”

  Blood rushes to my head. I don’t know what to say. “Thank—thank you.”

  I watch him gathering ingredients and pass the time by surveying his place. It’s not super messy, as I would expect a guy’s apartment to be. There are posters on the walls and wires strewn all over the place from video game consoles, speakers and amps. There’s a pair of girl’s boots in the bottom of the closet.

  I hear giggling, and then Lydia and Kat burst through the door. She mouths “sorry” at me and then flops down beside me on the couch. Kat grabs a seat at the kitchen table. Jason doesn’t look up from the sandwiches he’s frying.

  “I see you’ve met Claire.” Lydia breaks the silence.

  “Yes. She was standing alone in the dark outside my door. You should really be more courteous to your new friend.” He winks at me and I try not to smile.

  Just then I hear another set of footsteps, and turn to see a pretty blonde girl walking down the hall toward us. She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder dress with a skinny belt and leggings. Her hair is everywhere. She has freckles and her eyes are…feline is the only word I can use to describe them. She slips on the boots that were in the closet, yawns, and stands behind Jason. She wraps her arm
s around his chest.

  “Skye, this is Claire.” Jason nods toward me.

  “Hey.” She doesn’t move to shake my hand, but keeps her arms securely wrapped around Jason’s body. I feel nauseated. I can’t deny the fact that I felt something for Jason, even before I met him. Sleeping in his bed, with his books and his records, smelling him, dreaming of him…and now actually seeing him in person—his body, his voice, his eyes—

  Jason clears his throat and the sound breaks me from my thoughts. “I think we should all get going soon. We just need to wait for Ben to get back.”

  Skye slinks away from Jason and goes back to his bedroom. I think about what they may have been doing in there before I got here, and I’m not sure I even want to go to the show anymore.

  Lydia enters the kitchen and takes a seat on Kat’s lap. Jason serves me my sandwich. I feel awkward alone in the living room, so I move to sit on the cushion of the kitchen bay window. The kitchen is painted faded yellow, and there’s an old sunflower border along the ceiling that must have been there since the previous residents lived here. I look closer and see that all the sunflowers have tiny skulls stenciled onto them. The kitchen table is vintage looking, with clawed feet and tarnished brass legs.

  Jason takes a seat at the table where Lydia and Kat are chatting. I’m distracted, watching his body move. I don’t want to get caught looking, so I focus on my food. When I do look up, Jason’s staring at me with a sexy little grin on his face. I feel a current running between us and I wonder why he’s affecting me with such intensity. I’ve never felt anything like this, for anyone.

  I open my mouth to make small talk with Lydia, but I don’t get the chance to get the words out.

  “Are you enjoying your sandwich, Claire?” Something about the way his mouth shapes my name is doing things to my body.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  I watch him as he eats. His lips are big and pouty for a guy. He breaks a piece of the grilled cheese off and pops it in his mouth. Rather than using his napkin he licks his fingers. His jawbone protrudes as he chews, and his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. He slides back in his chair and relaxes as he eats. When he finishes his sandwich, he places his plate in the sink and walks out of the kitchen without looking at me again.

  “You mind washing the dishes, Lydia? I can’t risk having the dish soap dry out my hands before the show.” He calls back at us, and I hear him laughing.

  “Dick,” Lydia says.

  The door opens, and in walks a guy wearing a Metallica shirt and green cargo pants. He has short, dark hair, and from where I’m sitting, he looks like he’s eight feet tall.

  “What up? I’m Ben.” He gives me a salute.

  “This is my roommate Claire. She’s from Georgia,” Lydia says.

  “Welcome to the jungle.” He walks toward the bed rooms.

  “That’s Jason’s roommate. You ready to get out of here?”

  I nod. “All right, yeah, let’s go.”

  Lydia, Kat, and I walk out onto the sidewalk and Skye, Ben, and Jason join us shortly. Jason has his guitar case slung on his back, and he’s smoking a cigarette. Skye chats with Ben about someone named Alana, and Lydia joins them. I reach into my bag and grab my cigarettes, but I can’t find my lighter and I fumble around with the zippers and pockets.

  “Hey, let me light that for you.”

  Jason pulls out a Zippo. His thumb flicks it and it opens with a flame. I wrap my lips around my cigarette, place the tip in the flame, and look up at him. He looks from my eyes to my mouth, and back to my eyes again. The flame is reflected in his eyes, and he still has that sexy grin on his face. I puff and pull away from his light but not his gaze.

  “Thanks, Jason.”

  Lydia grabs my elbow and pulls me along with her, which ends the moment.

  “Let’s go get wasted,” she squeals, and tugs me along beside her. We walk about ten feet ahead of everyone, her arm linked in mine. I look back over my shoulder and Jason is holding Skye’s hand. I feel a lump rise in my throat.

  “How long has your brother been dating Skye?” I ask Lydia.

  “Like a week. I don’t think they’re, like, really a thing, though. I don’t think Jay asked her to go out, you know, or whatever. She’s totally into him, and she’s like, mentally willing him to be hers, or something. I don’t trust her. She’s a typical groupie. She has a boner for Jason because he’s a musician. Maybe she thinks she’ll be a rock star’s wife one day, or something. She’s pretty lame, but I’m sure Jason could do worse. Ben, on the other hand, has been talking to Skye’s friend Alana. She’s awesome. Oh, that reminds me—Alana wanted me to tell them she’ll be coming late tonight. I’ll be right back.”

  Lydia frees her arm from mine and runs back toward Ben and Skye. Jason is no longer walking with them. He’s walking toward me. He takes long strides and quickly catches up.

  “Hey,” he says.

  “Hey,” I reply.

  His pace is even with mine. The wind blows and I get whiff of his cologne. It smells spicy, and I recognize this smell from his pillow. I blush at the memory, wishing now more than ever that my fantasy had been real.

  “So, you moved in today?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool. You have a job yet?”

  “No. I was thinking of looking into substitute teaching or something. I was an English major.”

  “Really?” he turns his head and looks me up and down. “I had you pegged you for a dancer, what with your legs and everything.”

  Just then I trip over my own feet. Jason grabs my elbow before I eat the pavement.

  “Shit. Yeah, I’m definitely not a dancer. Beauty and grace are not my thing.”

  His gaze locks with mine, and I’m once again caught in that crazy current. He lets go of my elbow and slides his hand onto the small of my back. I startle at the intimacy of his touch and the closeness of his body. He brings his mouth to my ear, and I feel his hot breath on me as he whispers, “Hmm. I don’t know about that.”

  Chapter Two

  He removes his hand from my back, and slows his pace to match Ben and Skye’s. Lydia skips over and links her arm through mine again.

  “You okay? You’re falling over, and you didn’t even drink anything yet,” she says.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little clumsy.”

  We arrive at the bar. The wooden sign that reads Alexa’s is faded. There are Christmas lights in the window, which were probably put up a hundred years ago at holiday time and never taken down again. The bouncer checks our IDs, and we squeeze inside the packed bar. Lydia is greeted by a huge group of her friends. Everyone loves her. She introduces me to a mass of people. I catch some of their names, smile, and wave hello. Then, I excuse myself to walk over to the bar. I’m nervous and I need a drink.

  The bartender’s hair is blonde with some gray mixed in, and it’s pulled back in a low bun. She wears a fitted, flannel shirt, old jeans, and work boots. She has a bottle opener in her back pocket, and she looks tough. She sees me waiting and starts to come over, but stops when she sees Jason. He’s standing several feet from me. She leans over the bar to give him a tender hug. Jason says something to her and nods in my direction. She looks at me and nods at him, then turns and pours two shots of Jagermeister and places one in front of Jason. He lays some money in front of her, and she walks over to me with a smile.

  “Hello, Claire. I’m Alexa. Welcome to my place. This is a little gift from Jason. He calls it his liquid courage.”

  “Thank you, ma’am. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Jason is leaning against the bar, facing me. He raises his glass over the heads in the crowd, wordlessly toasting me and inviting me to drink. I raise my glass in return, and my eyes lock with his. In this moment, I feel like we’re the only two people here. I put my glass to my lips and knock the drink back. He does the same and gives me a sly wink, then turns and walks toward the back of the bar.

  Lydia comes over, and orders a bucket of Rol
ling Rock after chatting with Alexa.

  “Come on, let’s move up front.” She takes my hand in her free one, and we make our way through the crowd.

  There are cocktail tables at the front, and one has a reserved card on it. This strikes me as funny—a VIP table in such a shitty place. I’m wondering who it’s for when Lydia pulls out a chair. She smiles at me.

  “Being related to Jason has some benefits, best seats in the house.”

  Ben sits with us, though he barely fits at the table. The fourth seat is empty, and I wonder who it’s for. I turn and see Skye in the back with a group of girls, standing on the bottom rung of a bar stool and yelling to Alexa for more shots. She and her friends must intend to get alcohol poisoning. I look up at the stage, which is more of a raised floor with a covered pool table on it. A spotlight shines on a single bar stool and microphone. I grab a beer from the bucket and pound half of it.

  “Jeez. You thirsty Claire?” Ben asks.

  “Yeah. A little, I guess.”

  Ben grabs a bottle, elbows me and gives me a smile. “Me too.”

  A beautiful girl with pin-straight, jet black hair approaches our table.

  “Alana, finally!” Ben gets up and bear hugs her.

  She sits down, and Lydia introduces us. Then the lights dim, and the bar is cast into darkness except for the light on the stage. The background music in the bar stops playing, and out walks Jason. It’s only been minutes since he left my sight, and I feel an odd sense of relief upon his return. He has the brightest, most charming smile on his face as he waves to the crowd and laughs to himself at the onslaught of attention. He slings his guitar behind him like Johnny Cash, and everyone breaks into a mix of applause and shouting. I feel the tingling, mischievous anticipation that forms when a young crowd is submerged in darkness. I clench my beer bottle and sit up straight on the edge of my seat. I can’t wait to hear Jason’s delicious voice again.